Hey ya’ll. A big hearty hello from Texas. It’s been a hot minute since I’ve been on here to put my thoughts to paper. Life has been crazy. Crazy but good. If I’m being honest with myself, I probably have more irons than fire at this point.
To that end, a dear friend of mine (who I am nearly certain does not read this) told me that I need to slow down, take care of myself, and make sure I don’t let the moments with my children pass me by.
I’ll be honest. I was enraged. The story I told myself (to use Brene Brown’s words) was that he was making a judgement on my ability to be an adult, a parent, keeper of my body, and worse – on how much I love my children.
I would die for my children. They are my heart and they are my soul. More than anything in the world, I want to raise children that are happy, independent, and put good into the world. I don’t know how to do this, other than by modeling it.
The other story I told myself is that this would never be a comment that my husband receives. Indeed, as I sit at the airport tonight (for hours due to delays) I heard no less than 5 conversations between men about monthly work travel. Not a one of them even hinted that their work travel was an issue in their families (presuming they at least had a spouse from the rings that adorned their left hands).
The fragility and fleeting nature of life is not lost on me. I’ve watched life slip between the fingertips of people that tried desperately to hold on to one more day – one more hour – one more second. I’ve cried myself to sleep at night over health I cannot restore. I’ve stayed up late at night pushing back the anxiety and feelings of uncertainty of tomorrow, yet grateful that it will come. Yes, I pause when I step on a plane – and sometimes it’s really hard – but I refuse to not be who I am for fear of the unknown or some invisible boundary around me.
I’m living out my dream. Every second of every day. All I ever wanted in life was to be loved and to be the best doctor that I could be. I am loved beyond measure. My kids are amazing. My husband is second to none. I love my job more than most – even when it’s hard. I derive great joy and pride from my work, which drives my dedication to it. If I was a man, I think that would be applauded. Since I am a woman, it causes concern for my well being and that of my family.
Nevertheless, here I am – unapologetically me and I hope my daughter is watching.
You are loved and you have work that you love and you are putting your heart and soul into all of it. None of us could do better than that!