This month has been filled with decisions for me and my family. These are the decisions that come with any life I suppose, but man they have left me weary and bone tired. I was discussing with my husband all that had transpired throughout the month and I had a sudden flash of insight.
Generally I make decisions with relative ease and confidence. Once I make a decision, I just put my head down and move forward. Up until now my major life choices have revolved around school/career and health. For school and career, the decisions came pretty easy. I said earlier that I decided upon medicine at a young age. There was a lot of decision points beyond that fork in the road, but they were all headed in the same direction with only a few minor variations. Health and illness have always been something I seemed to understand – as a young girl I pored over my mother’s ‘medical encyclopedias’ that detailed common ailments and over the counter or home remedies. So this month when I was unsure if the decisions I was making were going to be the right ones, I felt…anxious and out of my element.
It was awful.
But wait…how about my patients and their families and this awful blow the world has given them. I imagine they live with that feeling and I can imagine these are a few of the multitude of questions that roll through their mind when they lay in the silence of the night and even permeate through the din of the day.
Is my doctor listening to my concerns? Should I have pushed harder for another opinion or a different test. Is this team right for me and my family? Do I even have choices? Aunt Jackie says to try remedy X – is there any validity in that? Will we be able to pay our bills this month? Am I going to have a job when this is over. Does his sister feel left behind? Will our marriage survive? Will he survive? What his life be like if he does survive? Will it come back? Are we going to be OK?
I suspect it is awful.
Despite all of the anxiety and uncertainty that comes with a childhood cancer diagnosis, somehow they find the strength to open their eyes each morning, place their feet on the ground, get up and do it day after day. Everyone is fighting a battle, let’s be kinder today than we were yesterday but not as much we will be tomorrow.
