I have two (generally) healthy kids, yet I have spent some time this past year in emergency rooms, urgent cares and in the hospital with each of them. Recently, I spent another day in the ER with one of them with a perplexing issue. I chose a time of the day that I knew the ER would be the least busy to minimize my wait time. I knew I would probably be going home after we were seen. It was still exhausting.
I’m really good at holding kids for procedures (this is a legit coveted skill) but holding my own kid for IVs and blood draws was emotionally draining even though I wanted the labs and IV just as much as the doctor. My heart ripped in two when the nurse told the patient next to us they could go home and my daughter popped up from her half asleep state and said excitedly “the doctor said we could go home mommy!” and I had to tell her we had to wait a little more. She tried passionately to convince me that her boo boos were better and she felt better (she did not) so that she could go home.
I came home that day after spending 6 hours in the ER and I was BURNT. I didn’t have many answers to what was going on and I had even more questions. Luckily, I knew that she wasn’t in danger and whatever was going on was just going to have to play out. Luckily, I knew when the ER would be the least busy, so I spent 6 hours there instead of 12 hours. Luckily, her problem was urgent and not an emergency and I could wait a few hours to take her in. Luckily, I work there and a friend brought me food when I hadn’t eaten all day. Luckily, I have a baby and I’ve learned to hold a kid in one arm and eat with the other without spilling food on the tops of little heads.
Later that night, I sat by her bed and rubbed her back and fought back the tears. I couldn’t fix her problem. She didn’t understand what had just happened. She was acting out trying to process the day’s events. My heart just hurt and it was a big hurt.
Every time my patients get a fever, they have to go to the ER and 99% of the time they will get admitted to the hospital for at least 48 hours for that fever. These are anticipated, but unplanned admissions in addition to their planned chemotherapy (which can be every two weeks for 2-7 days at a time..meaning so very few days at home in between cycles). My families have “go bags” packed at all times so that they can just grab them when a fever pops up at 2 am or 5 pm or whenever. They sit in horrible Houston traffic to come sit in the ER for hours. They don’t get to choose the least busy times. They know the likelihood of going home that night is miniscule. They know that any infection or fever can be life threatening. They have to explain to their children over and over again that pokes and late night stays are all in an effort to make them better. The little ones don’t understand, and I’m sure like my daughter, they act out for days afterwards. The big ones understand, but often they get justifiably angry about it. I’ve had kids lie about feeling ill so their parents won’t check their temperature because they don’t want to come to the hospital.
At the end of the day, I know everyone’s heart is hurting and it’s a big hurt.
And yet, life goes on. That night after the ER, I started prepping for work the next day and wondered how I was going to get through it. Every night that is spent in the hospital or the ER for my patients is not a day when the PAUSE button in life is pushed. Bills still have to be paid. Siblings still have activities. Work has to be done. I’m honestly not sure how they do it day after day.
#morethanfour #ChildhoodCancer365
